tomorrow is a new beginning.

start afresh 

positive attitude

be willing to learn

prove to myself that i can do it

i dont need other ppls approval or acknowledgement

leave good foot prints in ppl's life

be humble and not condescending

i really dont have the strength
ppl say those who committed suicide are failures
i say they are the real brave ones.
all those in movies are not real there is no happily ever after.
nothing is forever
other than death.
im starting to understand how suicidos think
for im turning into one of them

could  go any more lower than this?

nature really just cant be change no matter how hard you try.

some ppl just really dont deserve to live.

im prone to depression

reality is like this 

though we claim everyone is equal human being 

noone really is

if only theres one guide book

its mistakes that made us who we are.

pay attention to details. 

its so difficult.. i hate myself for being like this sometimes. 

poker face poker face.

this world is all about poker face. 

people with the best poker face r the ones that get the world.

must remove all negative thoughts.

i dont wanna be another one

take me with you.

I want to disappear too.. 

learning the art of socialism

i budged only because i value our frenship.

experience. smtg that can be bought with money but not everyone can give.

mayb we are expecting too much.

it would be so liberating if i were given the chance to play that role

if we could all be kinder the world would be a better place. 

jumbled thoughts. messed up memories.

curious case of benjamin button
in my case, mentality reversal.

i used to follow rules so well that all the adults think that im such a good girl such a mature girl coz she dont do silly stuff of play like other kid does. she take care of the younger cousins. shes the responsible one. shes the bright one who will make the family proud.

20 years passed and reality hit that girl like mars hitting earth.

welcome to the world!!

we are all searching for this something. 

a connection

a passion

a life

extrinsic motivation no longer effective for most people. they are searching for something more. something deeper. an intrinsic motivation and satisfaction. 

so do i...

If being alone all the time is socially acceptable it's perfectly fine with me to be left alone. It's really quite simple what I want.
Where r u?
Will u bring me to neverland?

starting something can be dreadful..

its like removing the biggest boulder

climb 

hold

lost

drained

effort

extreme

aimless

meaningless

resent

reminisce 

powerless

pointless

needing

hollow

empty

random words

I can't believe a book like this would set me to tears. Though I'm not particularly similar but there's parts that made me reflect and I was so shameful of what I did yet it's not a culture for typical Chinese to be emotionally expressive. Imagine a egoistic self contained male, most Chinese are like that. Affections and emotions are not typical scenes almost like allergy and most of the times we forgot or actually we don't know how to show our love and gratitude to love ones. A sudden urge to call and say I love you and I'm glad to have u guys in my life but the typical me just dismiss the idea that it would be absurd and to avoid the awkwardness and bombardment of "are you alright ?" Questions
(I might regret for not doing it one day.)

 I may not be specifically affected by that problem I do have my own insecurity and some thoughts were so familiar like I could feel what she was going through. The difference is I'm still stuck there. I guess ppl like me tend to be cynical at things. Like it seems like she has recovered and got her happily ever after but there must be other problems or stuffs they r hiding. She's happy now then what about the other person they left so abruptly so irresponsibly. They look like such good ppl but must be certain stages in their life that they r just as ugly as selfish anyone can be. Ppl just can't be nice and kind all the time.
(Books too can be deceiving sometimes just like how ppl want others to perceive them, books instills certain image and idea the author wants readers to believe)

does changing yourself according to situation make you ingenuine?

ppl often say just be yourself and everything will turn out great.

its so superficial. who doesnt want to be comfortable and be your own self all the time. unfortunately its not always the case. 

what do you do when you hit your low? does patience pay off? are you willing to wait for things to turn right?   what if they dont? is there anything that i can do?

where are you?
accomplishment, satisfaction, content

sound and voices

long nights of waiting
shadows that never appear
silence creeping into my bones

we walk we run we fall we get back up and we run again

until we can run no more 

then we stroll 

everything will be fine

its just too late 

people dont come back for second time

feelings wont return the second time

i was immature back then

and i broke it 

this is your favourite font

i dreamed a dream
but life killed the dream i dreamed

Ntg is real. Even urself.

Very often we don't get the gratitude we deserve.
Chose to either continue unconditionally or leave.

As much as I don't wanna face it it's not a choice.
I know a day like this will come.

2013