sometimes we just need to be more shameless and live with things that we have done... self hypnotize and ignorance might be the best way to get through certain things.

its so hard when i couldnt whats ahead..

how does ppl here do this??? constantly refrain urself the high discipline and concentration. how i wish i could start working.. there;s so much more personal time to do things that you love. things that u really wanna learn instead of cramping your brain with all the shits from the notes.

im trying really hard to fight this emo feelings. sometimes i wonder all the happy faces i see everyday, are they real? or are they faking it. we r not kids and displaying your true emotions doesnt work well in this society.

as much as i don t wanna care about how other ppl think of me, reality doesnt function that way.

ignoring the perception of other ppl is as good as living in your own world

Balance in life. how do you achieve it? and how do you maintain it? Comtemplating between life and work.

Motivation? there's none in me. doing this purely because im suppose to is so hard. everyone is searching for some..

i never thought that this day would come to me where i would pay ppl to do my assignments.. ya.. im that desperate... im paying some stranger 100 bucks to do a stupid english essay which comprise 40% of my module that cant even secure a pass..

i used so many days to do just one stupid presentation. i spent another dunno how many freaking days to write another essay for another elective. now i get how do the business students feel like.

i really feel like going for a drink.. but then i thought of it.. so what if i go for a drink... it doesnt help me feel better.. mayb for that few hours of escape and then im bac..

last time i would feel pity for those ppl who do ntg other than what they like and they are not good in everything else not even in talking to ppl.. but now i feel lucky for them because at least they have direction and they hav the passion for something.. 21 and im lost..

i feel like im only living mayb about 3-4 months out of 12 months in a year. i spent the rest of the months feeling emo, doing whatever everyone is suppose to do, ignoring and hoping that mayb smtg would happen or change. not living the moment when thats what life is suppose to be.

this is the most lengthy entry after so long.. probably from all the essay writing that i have been doing...

life is a fucking bitch!!

i crossed the line... and i lost everything.

awesome days ahead!!!

27th- convo day
i wonder how is it going to be. its not my convo thought. just hope everything goes smoothly.

28th-work whole day

29th-work again and meet bro and cousins at night

30th till 31st-quality time with family

1st - mayb outing with a fren

2nd till 4th -beach time (hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant wait!!! )

4th till 8th-quality time with C

what a fun week to come!! hahaha. enjoy till the very last minute before school starts.

sometimes things are just not meant to be...

i should have expected that this will happen.. y cant there be more time..

y do i always repeat my mistakes even though i know the outcome.

10 dollar poorer when my 10 dollar note flew right into the gap of the elevator.

i could have score bullseye blind folded. --_--''

everyday i look around me there;s not one person;s life that i wan..

i will try to be better in every possible way for everyone that i love.

what was done is history and i will try to make whats coming to be better.

i love u all..

doing it all over again...

scheming through the shelves i hope i can find a book that match my interest.. but there is no one book that fits everyone perfectly. nothing comes in package.. you have to customize your own book.

everything is just too subjective...

where is the key?.. the same door do not open twice.. yet i had it opened twice for me but i did not step through.. where does it lead to?

grass always seems greener on the other side.. its true until we've been on the other side.. now that ive been there i wish i could go back.

im too tired to take the next move...

the moment is getting near.. afraid it might strike me again...

whenever im near that point of stage i just thought maybe a few hours of escape would help but its reality that we are living in..

i might seems like a planner of life.. the truth is i don't make the best decisions and more often than not i regret my moves.

why do ppl do what they do? why do they do it even though they know there will only be the worst. why i do things i did? i have absolutely no idea. i'm not exactly the person who think only with my head. i do go with my heart sometimes but it turn out that my heart is the culprit to my unsatisfactions. maybe i should only trust my brain..

im thinking that i should mix with these new frens of mine lesser... they are kinda like the shadow of him.. it scares me how similar i can be...

i don't really like who i am but thats just who i am...

some self reflection.. upbringing really shapes who you will be... and i will definitely train my kids to have high self discipline.. if i ever have kids... i just don't think i will be a good mom. hahah. so better not to have any.

what do i wan? this is the big ques that i kept asking myself.. where am i heading to.. what am i doing now? everything seems so redundant.. what is my role in this society? where do i belong?where do i see myself in 5 years? i guess the age really is doing a great job messing with my head. 21 seems like such a big deal. ive lived almost 21 years now and dont feel ive accomplished anything in my life other than growing some weight and height.. most ppl wanna be successful in life. what is my definition of success?

in the end im just a 21 year old lost in my own life..

can i disappear for a year or so?....

i have two empty bowls but there;s only so much water i have. filling one more means leaving another insufficient.. just like in life there;s only so much allowance and i have to chose where should i put them.

i look into ppl and see if any part of their life that i wan and also avoid mistakes that they made.

i guess im just too greedy making my investment in any form too diversified, not reaching anywhere that i intended to.

so what is the smart investment plan? i wonder how long will it take for me to figure it out.. or will i ever figure it out..

this morning i just got a msg from a fren that John a very nice person and a loving husband had just passed away.. the last time i saw him he looked so healthy and normal.. just hope that her wife Joanne (she shares the same name as me) will be ok..